Many, link their ability to be loved and wanted with physical desirability. This is one of those misaligned perceptions that can prevent us from giving and receiving love. In today’s culture, there is an almost obsessive preoccupation with one’s own physical appearance and identification with the body that far exceeds natural application and respect for the human condition.

This false idea engenders fear of losing the partner’s attention, and can often be expressed in the form of jealousy and competition. In addition, it is likely to keep one in a state of avoiding love rather than risking rejection.

Because love is confused with physical desirability, the fear that others will not accept us for what we are has serious repercussions. Often with this misperception in place, one has a tendency to embark on a quest of continually seeking approval; and when it is not forthcoming as they wish it to be, they are subject to feelings of inadequacy, loss and rejection. All of which prevent the authentic expression of their true loving nature. Instead, they live life with no real interest or enjoyment, and in frantic pursuit of the fluctuating attention. This may even influence the choice of partner as they attach themselves to someone they believe is ‘safe’ or ‘exciting’ rather than someone they can truly love. Others, stay in a relationship because they are too afraid to leave for fear that someone else will not find them desirable enough or good enough.

All of this clouds one’s perception of self and makes one feel emotional and dependent on the other. Hence, the focus shifts from loving to an obsessive need to be desirable.
Instead of blaming outside conditions or harbouring thoughts that are totally false, we have to be willing to recognise our own misaligned perceptions and withdraw our judgments and opinions as well as change the way we perceive ourselves and others.

Correcting this misperception begins with the understanding that the ego’s idea is totally false, and desirability is in fact only determined by one’s own filters and programming.

This is evident when observing different cultures and seeing what they view as desirable. You find that in some cultures, plumpness is viewed as arousing whilst in other cultures it is the opposite. There is no consistency even though it appears that most people have a consensus of what is desirable. Yet, on close examination, if we were to really investigate it further, we find that the ego will continually look for new ways to satisfy its insatiable desire for more. Therefore, in essence, what was desirable yesterday may not be desirable today. As we stated many times, perception and beliefs are not truth; hence, to place value on something that is transitory is madness.

Even though we may not be at a point of having the full experience of our divine essence, we will have had glimpses from time to time and certainly, would have a concept of what that essence of our being is. We can begin right there by meditating and contemplating on it constantly. As the niggling thoughts arise, we must allow the feelings to come to the surface without attempting to suppress them or distract our self. We must stay open and feel them to their full intensity without attempting to move out of the pain. The pain will gradually shift as we become willing to feel it. If we attempt to move out of the pain by talking our self out of it, we will only create more conflict, because we will not really believe it; otherwise, we would not be hurting in the first place. Instead, by accepting the feelings and letting go of resistance, the feelings will eventually run out. Every time we are in a place of allowance, love does its work; on the other hand, every time we put up resistance, fear does its work. Hence, the greatest power we can bring to our self is acceptance and love.

Then we can pray for the truth to be revealed. Our intention, honesty and willingness will open the avenues for truth to enter our mind. Then the need to feel desirable will vanish and love can be allowed to work in us, as love will.

(Excerpt from our book ‘Reaching Beyond the Dream’)

Blessings and Love,

Angelica and Terence Atman